Thunderlips Vs. Bonesaw

Occasionally, when things are slow, I like to contemplate the great philosophical questions of the world…like why are we here? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound? And today’s question, who would win in a wrestling match, Thunderlips or Bonesaw?

Now, there are many ways of tackling this question. You would think the natural way of looking at it would be to consider the people playing these roles. We have Hulk Hogan playing Thunderlips in Rocky III and Randy “Macho Man” Savage playing Bonesaw in Spiderman. These guys have often been pitted against each other as mortal enemies in “real life” with varying results. They also actually joined forces when Macho Man was being triple-teamed in the ring by the Hart Foundation and the Honky Tonk Man, the latter viciously smashing his guitar over Macho’s skull. The Lovely Elizabeth ran into the back producing Hulk Hogan who ran to Macho Man’s rescue thus resulting in a joining of the superpowers…the handshake heard around the world, if you will…but I digress.

Anyway, analyzing the past matches of the Hulkster and the Macho Man would, you think, be a logical way of tackling this question…but considering these were scripted matches, this wouldn’t be an accurate portrayal…for you see, now I’m about to reveal something here that might shock and upset you…wrestling is staged. I know…I know…I’ll wait until you wipe the tears of bewilderment out of your eyes before I continue. Okay, are you better now? Let’s continue…

You see, Terry Bollea, and Randy Poffo are not the ones I want to analyize. I’m totally seriously talking about Thunderlips and Bonesaw. Yes, I am aware that these are also not real people, but, I mean, people have always wondered such serious matters like who would win in a fight, Superman or The Incredible Hulk and all that stuff…why can’t I wonder about Thunderlips and Bonesaw?

So, let’s just analyze the characters. Thunderlips is the ultimate male. He comes out in grand scale, accompanied by bikini-clad ladies. He puts on a good show…he shoves Rocky Balboa when he asks about taking a Polaroid after the charity match. That’s brazen! No one shoves the Italian Stallion without repercussion…so yeah, unfortunately, Rocky throws Thunderlips over the top rope thus ending the match. Up until then he was pretty badass, but then reveals that his act was all a hoax when he poses for Polaroids with the Stallion’s dumb family and admits that the nasty act was just “the name of the game”. Boo, Thunderlips…BOO! You can only redeem yourself, at this point, by pile driving Rocky Jr. and putting Adrienne in the figure four leglock.

So, let’s move to Bonesaw. Now, granted, I haven’t seen Spiderman as many times as I have seen Rocky III because clearly, Rocky III is a far superior movie…so if my details aren’t as specific as above, I apologize. I loved Spiderman the minute I finished watching in in the theater, but upon further thought and another viewing, the only thing about Spiderman that kicked major booty for me was a scene that lasted approximately 5 minutes…that being the Bonesaw scene. Firstly, we have none other than the mighty Bruce Campbell announcing the entrance of Bonesaw into the ring, which only enhances the awesomeness of the scene. Then we have a totally differing scene as we did with a Thunderlips entrance. This ain’t no light-hearted charity event…this is a dark, dingey underground fighting arena. And here is Bonesaw…no sparkly costume…no pomp and circumstance (hahaha! I made a funny dorky WWF/Macho Man reference!)…just total KICK ASS BADASSNESS. That is Bonesaw…Badass Bonesaw McGraw who has killed every other opponent, but gets his ass kicked by Peter Parker, a twig-like dork. Okay, granted that twig-like dork was bitten by a radioactive spider thus giving him superpowers, but you know what…I wanted Bonesaw to grind him into mince meat. Boo…Bonesaw…BOO! You can only redeem yourself, at this point, by dropping a flying elbow off the top rope onto Kirsten Dunst’s stupid face.

So, each of these guys gets demolished at the end of their grand matches. So how do I decide who would win in real life? It would be one hell of a match, I tell you…this would be major Pay Per View material…like selling out the Astrodome calibre, but when all was said and done, I’d put my money on Bonesaw.

Here’s why: Thunderlips was clearly a scripted wrestler simply putting on a good show for a charity event. He let Rocky Balboa bodyslam him, which clearly is like an elephant getting bodyslammed by a ferrett. Bonesaw, however, is a true-life asswhooper making money on each defeat. Thunderlips would give him a run for his money, but unless he had a radioactive spider in his trunks, Bonesaw would devour him…or, unless one of his bikini valets ran into the back and produced Nada…then that might turn the tables a bit.

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